9:23 PM @ Thursday, August 09, 2012

(Finally! An Update)

Just got home from the Covered Courts of the LS. It's a Thursday and since Tuesday our class has been suspended due to the Habagat.
(Hindi Ako Bagyo, Ako'y Gust at Thunderstorm lamang)

For so many days I've been stuck at home doing nothing. Wait. Bakit ako nage-English hindi naman ako ume-emo? :|

Anyway-highway, antagal ko na gustong magvolunteer pero hindi ako makalabas ng bahay kasi medyo mahirap mag commute dahil sa weather. :|

Last night I signed up for a shift (12-3:30pm).
Pagdating ko kanina sa school around 11:30am I was observing everyone and hindi ko alam saan ako pupunta.
Definitely ayaw kong madeploy sa kung saan man. Ayaw ko rin mag sort ng clothes. :))

Tapos bah I realized na whats the point of volunteering kung pipiliin ko gagawin ko? (nuks)
So there I raised my hand when I heard the PA "We need 10 guy volunteers" and Thank God I was assigned at the Receiving and Unloading Area where we get to meet the donors etc.

Sobrang saya. I met new friends. Khio, Angela, Cei, CJ, Joy, Max. Pero syempre hindi ko naman ginawa tong blog post na 'to para ilista lahat diba?

Anyway yun nga. Sobrang na-inspire ako to extend nung may nakita akong mga bata (6? 7? 8? years old. Or bansot na adults lang talaga) na nagbubuhat kasama mommy nila. :(
Plus yung isang matandang lola kanina (matanda na nga lola pa. Over age) after ibigay yung donations niya, naisip niya, pwede siya magpakita ng balat. Joke. Naisip niya na ibigay na rin jacket niya para makadagdag. :(

So there from 11:30am to 6:30pm we were carrying and receiving donations.
aaaand here are some of the peculiar things we handled:

1. Instead of giving sacks of rice, we got sacks of pasta and macaronis.

2. Lacoste bags with Forever 21 clothes inside. (Binabaha na sila suot ni Forever 21 pa rin. :>)

3. Tampons. o.o (Pucha binaha na mga tao pano nila ilalagay yun? :)))) uhm. Ate.... maputik... )

4. Bottled Water with packaging by Vans (Yes yung sapatos)

5. San Miguel Beer (Sabi nung guy kasi raw sad sila so iinom para makalimot)

6. 3 boxes of Jack Daniels. Ituloy ang tagay. :|

7. Swim Suit (WOOH BAHA)

8. New Bench shirts.

9. Canned Goods. Hinihingi namin 555 o Ligo o Century. SPAM binigay. :)))

10. Blankets and Bed Sheets. COMFORTER and BED SET binigay. :))

11. Crocs. Sobrang daming brand new crocs.

will update the list pag may maalala akong nakita ko na medyo sana ako bigyan rin ng ganito. :))

Ateneans. Nakakataba ng puso. :"> Proud to be part of this. For the greater glory of God.

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5:35 PM @ Sunday, May 27, 2012

It’s been a while since I last blogged- funny how I tend to forget this site when I am doing great.

Well, I have time to burn.

A lot has happened since Canary and I broke up. I found someone but unfortunately not the right person. Sooo I moved on with life.

MOVING ON is a big word I once defined as something impossible. But after Canary, I learned how to just stop when it feels like everything is messed up.

Yes, most of us look for a partner whom hopefully, we can share our future with (some kasi for sex lang).  The problem I experienced in a dysfunctional love life: after a few months of emotional investment (not to mention the getting-used-to-talking-to-my-partner-everyday) I start creating this perfect world that filters all the signs that we weren’t meant for each other.

Fights, verbal abuse and public humiliation. I endured all that believing someday, these flaws will just disappear and my partner will change for the better after I show more affection and patience. I was wrong. It remained that way. Actually, it worsened. That was when I realized the cycle has to stop. I’ve been chasing these so-called partners no matter how effed up things were; couldn’t let go because of the feeling of “panghihinayang. After 6 months, I let go. That’s as far as my patience can last in a setting where you get treated lower than a dog everyday.

Try thinking about it, are you really willing to spend a lifetime of misery just because of the “panghihinayangfrom the months of emotional investment?

Again, while it is true that we are looking for that permanent romantic partner, let us not settle for what we do not deserve. There are so many fishes and other creatures in the sea. HAHA.

Let’s cut the crap and stop being drugged with all the ideas of having a happy-ever-after.
Imagine a playground filled with kids. You asked a random kid to be at the other end of a see-saw. You realize that kid is too incomplete or has so much baggage cause the see-saw to not move smoothly. Getting stuck on the ground or staying up, same. Not normal. It’s your choice to stay there, exert more effort to make it work and not let go because of the fear that the kid (who took your invitation) might get hurt.

Getting over a painful relationship is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.

Its been almost a year now. Here's the last letter I sent to that person.
Warning: Contains profanities.

-------, mahal.
Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. Love still stands when all else has fallen
Love knows no limit.
That is why despite the ordeal of pains, we have managed to keep this relationship going; 3 months.

There's a lot of ways to express one's love.
Acts of service. Gifts. Words of Affirmation. Physical touch. Quality time.

Yours is different. You love negatively.
You push me away. I cling on the statement that you are being like that because you love me and that is your way of being protective.

You got to tell your side of the story. Now I deserve to tell mine.
I kept this to myself because I know this will hurt you more but I think it is about time for you to understand everything clearly. Similar to a child getting spanked, sometimes one needs to get hurt just to see things in a broader perspective; to understand the bigger picture. You are too busy zooming in your own principles and beliefs that you choose not to listen to me anymore.

Just because I am younger doesn't mean that I can't see the flaws of this relationship.

I love you. I endured all the pain that was thrown at me. You knew back then that if you continue this kind of treatment, no happy memory could ever compensate to the embarrassment and pain you are giving me.

I never wanted to send this kind of message to you. I have managed to control myself over countless temptations. This one was different. It was as if a gun was pointed on my head; I was provoked. You pushed me to.

I am well aware of how excruciating it is to receive such revelation in the most unexpected way. But I made up for what I did even when you clearly expressed that you wanted out. I still wanted us to be together because I loved you.

I know a week, a month or even half a year is not sufficient enough for me to dissipate the blotted relationship. As I am making this note, bits and pieces of reality are coming in.

We will never work as a couple.

1. Trust. To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.

You never trusted me. Since day 1. You never did. I never received any from you.
As a student yes, I see a lot of people everyday. But theres a fine line between being sociable and merely being a flirt. You never saw the difference. You wanted me to cut my social life. Yahoo Messenger, Facebook, and even SMS. You wanted that all for yourself. -------, I have  clients that I need to contact every now and then. I also teach a freshman block. I have Org works. I have a Marketing competition to win. I have group works to finish aswell.
All you saw was Mikee the debaucher.
God knows what I gave-up to be with you. God knows how loyal I am.
Which brings me to point two.

2. Respect. If you want to be respected, you must respect yourself.

Trust goes together with this. You fed me a lot of words that I lost my self-respect. Self-respect is the cornerstone of all virtue. I lost my sense of individuality yet I continued this relationship because somewhere there, I hoped for a change that never came. I loved you so much.
I remember countless nights of you ringing my phone. Half-asleep, I call back even in the wee hours of the morning worried that something might be wrong. All I get is a "HOY PUTANGINA MO. WALA KA SA BAHAY NO? SINO KALANDIAN MO PUTANG INA KA MALANDI KA."

I wake up late at night because of nightmares. You're the one I text because I need a sense of security and comfort. What do I get: "GISING KA PA PALA PUTANGINA KA ANDAMI KO KACHAT NAPAKA LANDI MO. GAGO KA. NIGHT."

Whenever I am busy doing theater work, or school work, I make it a point to call you just to say hi and tell you that everything is okay. What do I get in return: "MALANDI KA! SIGURO KUNG SINU-SINO NA MINAMANYAK MO NO! PUTANGINA KA!". Or even when we are together. Walking. Eating Dinner. In public you blurt: "MALANDI KA!". I have never received so much insults in my life. Whats worse is I get this EVERYDAY. Text. Call. Real Life. No Difference. Whenever, Wherever. I get it from you. I ignored it all and showed you more love to prove that I don't deserve such profanities.
I asked you what should I do to make you feel my absolute love. I asked not because I am stupid but because I want it to come from you. So I could improve myself and give you more of what you need. But everytime I do that, you simply say: "BOBO ka ba? WALA KA BANG UTAK?"

3. Appreciation. Appreciation is a wonderful thing: It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.

Yes, I do not have a job. I do not have a salary. I depend on the weekly allowance I get. But I compensate by doing small acts with big subtexts. You never saw my efforts. I filled a notebook with words of affirmation. You forgot I even made you one. Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. For six consecutive days, I went to either your office or your place to visit you and tell you how much I am sorry for what I did- if I had done something. I never mentioned anything about my money getting stolen. I loaned from my mom. I forced myself to learn how to ride a jeep since my money wouldn't be enough if I took a cab. I bought you roses last August 2. All I got in return was a: "YUNG BINIGAY MONG IYON, HINDI PA SAPAT. WALA NA YUN NGAYON NABUBULOK NA". It may be something petty in your perspective. That was whats left of what I have loaned; that was supposed to be my lunch.
You amplify all the things that you do to the point that it hinders you from seeing the small things I do.

Quoting you in FB: "mahirap kung ikaw lang nagmamahal". You posting that and me seeing all the likes and comments is more than a slap to my face.

August 8: You wanted me to visit you. I was on my way. The MRT had a glitch. I called you. Of all things to say, you accused me of not leaving home and that the MRT is working. Thats too much -------. You heard me over the phone. You heard jeeps and buses yet you still think that I am at home JUST BECAUSE I AM ONLINE IN FACEBOOK. I went back home both pissed and frustrated. I tried calling you, you activated call barring. Then you sent me a message. "Lalabas ako kasama ex ko." That is not something a mature 25-year-old person would do. A slap on my face just because I couldn't get there.
You want things to work out again yet you hold-unto to feeling of pain and anger to the point that you degrade me.

4. Miserable Life. Your life is the fruit of your own doing. You have no one to blame but yourself.

Whenever something bad happens to you, you blame it on me. "PUTANGINA MO SINIRA MO BUHAY KO. NAGLASLAS AKO NGAYON DAHIL SAYO. MAY SUGAT AKO NGAYON DAHIL SA GINAWA MO. PUTANGINA MO. HINDI NALANG SANA KITA NAKILALA." I may have caused you so much pain but do remember that you control your own life. You may have friends who will tell you what is wrong and what is not. You may have me to make or break your day, in the end you're still the one responsible on how things would work. Quoting Invictus, "I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul."

Ang kasiyahan ay pinagpupursigihan. Hindi ka magiging masaya kung gugustuhin mo lang na sumaya.
Hindi lang ikaw ang may problema sa mundo. Hindi lang ikaw iniintindi. Kailangan mo ring makinig at umintindi.

5. You concentrate too much on how others would look upon you. Big egos are big shields for lots of empty space.

We have talked over it. I am at fault for keeping such item. Are you showing it to everyone because you really need their opinion? Or is it because it feels good to have everyone's sympathy? Are your officemates' opinion not enough? Do you enjoy hearing words of hatred against me? How ironic. You allowed me to fix this. Indirectly, you wanted this relationship to work again. But you enjoy others saying: "Hiwalayan mo na.", "Kulang pa ang isang sampal.", "Hopeless." Everyones over reacting.

I kept my side of the bargain. I've been more than a dog. I knelt down asking for forgiveness and you stepped on me. Willingness to move on and fix this means accepting my ways of making up. You're inconsistent. You filter. You accept some, you reject a lot with words that could penetrate to the core of a person. I've been submissive because I know I am at fault. I've been receiving more Putangina mo. Bobo. Tanga. Gago. Walang kwenta. Ulul. Messages from you yet I chose to absorb all. Every profanity I get, I answer back by saying: I love you.
Our thoughts create our reality -- where we put our focus is the direction we tend to go.
You want me to be sorry for everything. You want to fix this yet you refuse to let go of what has happened. You enjoy drowning yourself with the feeling that someone is pleading for you. You enjoy the feeling of getting everyone's sympathy.
It's like I hit you once and now you are spitting and punching me a lot of times.

-Healing means having small steps. Just because you got hurt, doesn't mean you have to hurt me back.
-Healing means trying to forget what happened and not having indirect revenge.
-Healing means accepting what has happened and building new things from the rubble.
-Healing means embracing the one who hurt you.

No one has ever insulted me that much ever before.
You're feeding your ego too much.
I may not be the perfect boyfriend. But I know what I can give and what I cannot.
I have loved you to the fullest. You pushed me away. I have sinned. I made up for that.
You rejected it and treated me worse. I continued to love you despite getting tired. You pushed me more.
Can’t you see the cycle? I don't want to commit something more grave.

In my suffering, I had not noticed that the scent of love, winds and deluge had died already. As a dichotomy -- the worst served along with the best. Or as part of a cycle of rises and falls, of renewals, of goodbyes and new beginnings. Only when things are perceived in the context of a full cycle do they make sense. There is a greater scheme that we are all part of. Things are not merely random.
What I am getting is too much. I have to love myself as well.
I've reached my satiation point. This is as far as I can get.
It is useless to pick-up fallen petals because they will never bloom again.
I am sorry -------. I love you so much. Take care.
Wishing you all the best

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God Loves You

4:31 PM @ Thursday, May 03, 2012

I heard that a certain someone talked behind my back AGAIN. Apparently, this person has been backstabbing my mom, my Mi, my uncles, and my cousins, but never my dad.

Dearest creature,

I have been ignoring you for the longest time now but recently, you’ve crossed the boundary. There’s a fine line between being audacious but stern and being a COWARD who hides at the back of his parents whenever he cannot handle things on his own.

Actually, maybe audacious is an understatement. For a man of your ageFOR A MAN, you are too much of a blabbermouth and everyone hates your mere existence. You’re just too self-absorbed to see that the whole community hates you. It’s a good thing you have your immediate family to back you up, otherwise it would’ve been better if you had committed suicide a long time ago because of your tactless mouth, envious eyes, greedy hands, and premature brain.

Quoting Jean Jacques Rousseau, People who know little are usually great talkers, while men who know much say little.

Probably by now you have realized that my Dad’s name is Mike Chan and if by chance your blessed eyes have already figured out that I am also Mike Chan, then good for you. If not, then you really are an empty can.
As insignificant as you really are, I have never cared about anything you say. If people post things on Facebook against you (of which I am not surprised) I never gave a ****. :D

Now it seems that last week, my dad posted a comment which you found offensive, albeit there were no names given (which just goes to show how guilty you really are) and because the size your mouth seems to be blocking your left brain causing you to lose logic (and probably because of your shrunken balls), you crossed out the fact that the Mike Chan there was my dad and accused me of being that person right then and there.

It came to no surprise that you wasted your time doing what you do best--shouting and complaining to your parents about how insulted you felt. Not to mention the backstabbing and nagging part. You should have USED YOUR BRAIN     RIGHT HAND      RIGHT POINTER FINGER to click on the Mike Chan profile and check for yourself who the culprit really was. Since when did I grow a goatee?

Get your facts straight, your mouth shut, and stop accusing people.

You are so awesome that you deserve my salute. So heres to you and your wonderful life.

Mike Chan
try guessing who ;)

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11:41 PM @ Saturday, October 15, 2011

PS. This post is a draft only. -_-

For the past few weeks, DRAMA and SELF-PITY became the center of everything. I've been too preoccupied screening and searching for that special someone to the point that being in a relationship feels like a necessity already.

Being in a relationship entails having "kilig" moments, having someone you can talk to most of the time, having company and all that cheesy shits. It feels good, yes. But being single isn't as bad as it seemed.

I hate being alone. I hate being single. But generic as it may sound, I have my friends. I have my family. There is more to life than having a someone.

To all those people searching desperately and in pain for that someone, STOP. Seriously. You're just magnifying the solitude. Wait but wait unconsciously. I don't know exactly how to do that. But think of it this way, every day, no matter how tiring things can get, count your blessings. :) Learn to be happy by yourself first.
Imagine you're a cup that magically fills itself over time. When the right time is there and you are already over-flowing with water, thats the time you look for someone. The longer you wait, the sweeter it becomes and chances are, the stronger your future relationship will be. The greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to endure pain.
Never rush.
Again, theres more to life.

You can give love in many different ways. Use your friends and family as a channel. :)
You can always be really depressed but you can never be too happy. 

Look at the bright side of things.

No matter how painful and sad things get, theres enough reason for us to be happy. We just have to find it, and keep it.

Facing tides

2:10 PM @ Saturday, June 18, 2011

Yep. Here's a new blog layout. Go figure why I chose this.
Ayoko nang mag explain. Think deep nalang. As in deeeeep. :))))

Four. (Hindi pa na-proofread.)

1:50 PM @ Saturday, June 04, 2011

According to St. Jerome, the number four represents a sense of revelation. Makes sense.
Ezekiel had visions of four winged beasts which later reconstitutes in the New Testament as the four beasts of the apocalypse in the Book of Revelations. Psychologically, Carl Jung stated that there are four primary mental functions. In modern science, there are also four dimensions; length, breadth, width, and time.

Japanese people believe that the number four brings misfortune. Pronouncing it is like saying the word "death" as well. Ironically, this is also the number of balance.

WAIT. I'm not a numerologist. MAS LALONG HINDI AKO MAHILIG SA BINGO. I just want to be dramatic. :))

Anyway, last March 27, 2011 8pm I left home with no plans of ever returning again. One simple reason: reasoning. People look at things differently. As we grow up, we are able to develop a more rational way of understanding situations. Parents fail to see this sometimes. The baby they held 18, 19, 20 years ago is different now.

Everything was planned. I had 45k with me. I allotted 30k for my Summer Tuition and 15k for "survival". Fortunately it wasn't that hard for me to look for a place, since a lot of my friends were willing to let me stay.

Day 1. For the first time, I washed my own clothes, cleaned the apartment, washed the plates for them and hanged my wet clothes. I ate twice. Lunch, at McDonalds and KFC for dinner. Everything seems fine. My friends were there to make me emotionally stable. I planned to look for a job the next day.
Money Spent the whole day: Php 145

Day 2. Ate once. Mang Inasal for lunch. Ate a lot of rice that would suffice breakfast and dinner. Everything seems okay. Found a book, "The Giver" by Lois Lowry. I hate reading. I never read books (except those that are required in school.) Since there was no TV, no Internet, and nobody in the apartment, I started reading.
Spent: Php 99

My HS teacher was correct when she told me that whenever everything seems to be in chaos, seek for silence. Being alone in the apartment for 2 days made me reflect on how I was living my life. I was itching to go back not because I gave up on what I believe was right, but rather because I miss my computer. Haha. It was a good choice that I stayed there. Patience slows us down because it makes us pay attention.

It is not bad to stand up on what you believe is right. As long as you and other people know, feel and believe that you are right, do not let anyone change that; not even your parents. Quoting Suckerpunch, "If you can't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." If you have to fight for it just to make them see that you have a point and you deserve an ear and a heart, do it. (Hindi ko sinasabing lumayas kayo ha! :)) ). Storms bring destruction but at the same time, soaks the fields and the wisdom of the heavens fall with the rain. Like all storms, it will pass. Sometimes the more violent it is, the more quickly it will pass.

Day 3. I was able to see my friend arrive in the apartment. (My friend works from 12pm-2am) We talked for a while. I was moved when I received a box of Donuts. (Oo patay gutom ako. :)) Grabe mga simpleng acts of care na dati hindi ko pinahahalagahan, ganito pala pakiramdam pag nagbigay ka ng pagkain sa mga bata sa lansangan. #musmos) Ate at KFC for lunch.
Spent: Php210 (Sumobra sa budget na 150/ day)

Again, from 12pm-11pm I was alone. I kept quiet. Enjoyed the silence. Thought of stuff I never thought of. I found rest and saw that simple things like a book and a box of donuts could bring extreme joy. Music exists because the pause exist. Sentences exist because of the blank spaces. Same goes with the wonderful discoveries. They exist because of the blank spaces we leap on.

For the past days, money mattered so much that I considered working somewhere "off" but pays  a lot. But after a while, I realized that money might bring unhappiness, but have boat loads of it won't necessarily bring happiness. I was already happy- I thought I was. But there was something inside me that is saying "parang may mali". I forced myself to believe that everything was fine. I was happy. I didn't have a mom who keeps on shouting and all. Then I came to my senses. If I were happy, those things wouldn't be bugging me anymore. Those thoughts wasn't supposed to exist. Seeking for more happiness means you're not happy at all. You're seeking for desires and these are never satisfied, because once they are, they cease to be desires. I had to accept in one way or another that I wansn't happy.

That same night, my mom texted me.
I'm just worried King, hope you're okay.
-I'm okay ma. Thank you I hope you're okay as well.
Glad to hear, let me know if you need mama.
*I called her and told her how much I hated it when she doesn't listen to me. She only said this: "Okay. Matulog ka na. Umuwi ka bukas magusap tayo."
I thought she didn't really care. Her voice had no emotions in it. My plans of never returning back home were reinforced. But after a minute or two, she sent another message.
I'm sorry King.
-I'm sorry rin ma.

Day 4. I ate lunch alone and sent a message to my friend that I am going back home. Just like in the movies, when I arrived home, I gently kicked the half opened door and saw my mom sitting there. Staring blankly. I stared back. I could see tears. I hugged her and there. The movie magic of reconciliation. For the first time, I felt her love. I felt the warmth. She never hated me. Her love only masquerades in anger and close mindedness. We had faults.

"Getting lost is sometimes the best way to discover the beauty of places and experience the wonders life has yet to offer."

12:49 AM @ Friday, March 25, 2011

March 24 
I SURVIVED. Barely...
Living Torture. Pero kinaya. I am sure naman na naging masaya siya sa birthday celebration na yun.

This part is addressed to Canary: (Putangina kung ayaw niyo mamatay sa kakornihan wag nyo na basahin para lang talaga 'to kay Canary)
Anyway, you asked me kanina bakit hanggang ngayon hindi pa ako nakakapag move-on.

Totoo na sobrang sakit.. Lahat ng nangyari about us. Andaming random people na sumusulpot plus grabe ang pagbabago ng utak. Pero pinili kong maiwan sa ganito. Tanungin mo man ang kahit sinong tao, I am 100% sure walang makakatiis. Sa dinami-dami ng problemang napagdaanan at sakit na naramdaman ko, hindi nila makakayanan itong situation na ganito. Hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin ako bumibitiw kasi tulad nga ng sinabi ko saiyo, (at sinabi rin ni John Lloyd kay Tony HAHA) minsan lang ako nagmahal. Pagkatapos nun, hindi na natapos. :) Hindi ako kumakanta alam mo yun. Pero intindihin mo yung song na kinanta ko kanina. :) Sayang nga e hindi ko nakanta ung I'd Rather. Plano ko pa sanang kantahin yun kinulang lang sa oras.

Nasa exploration stage ka pa lang. Maniwala ka sakin. Hindi porket masmatanda ka, palaging ikaw mas may alam. Sa lahat ng sharpenings na naranasan ko, I can say na you need time to find yourself pa. Naiintindihan ko. Go, fix yourself and explore the world pa if you want.

When you realize that you had enough of what you're doing now, when you realize that at the end of the day, no matter how many admirers you have, no matter how famous you are, no matter how thick your wallet is, what matters most is that you have someone who's going to take care of you, make you feel very special, someone who's going to be with you always through thick and thin, and show you that the world is awesomely awesome despite its simplicity. So there, when you decide to live a simple, quiet life, my arms are open. :) I still and will continue to love you.

12:22 AM @ Thursday, March 24, 2011

Siguro umaapaw na siya sa self-esteem ngayon. =))
Puro siya nalang e. Hindi na nga ata ito blog about randomness. =))

AL. Choco. Love. Canary.
Have a great one. :)

9:19 AM @ Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Malapit na birthday niya. Gusto kong gawing special para sakanya pero gah. Hindi ko alam paano. Control. Wala na eh. Tapos na. Most likely masaya na siya sa buhay niya.

(PS. Can I just say na nakakairita na 'tong ginagawa ko. :| Pilitin ko mang mag-move on hindi ko kaya. :| )

7:31 PM @ Wednesday, March 16, 2011

I should be strong. There's no going back now.
Canary seems to be happy already.
Our relationship is too broken. I can't fix this alone, and there's no response on the other side.
I should start walking.

I see no sign why I must still hope for something waaaaaaay beyond reality.

Pain is what I am feeling now. (I've been considering Valium lately.)
Seriously. This is the first time I felt so much pain. Couldn't sleep well.
Couldn't eat well. Bullshit. This pain will be my partner for a while.

Too bad I just realized this lately. Canary is not the cure. I have to fix this alone.
The love we shared before will never come back. I can do this.
Accept the fact that Canary will never come back Mikee.
I need to restore my old self. 
"If someone you love hurts you, cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it."

I deleted my Facebook. I deleted my account in that dating site. I am planning to change my number as well. I have to kill all stuff that would remind me of Canary.



9:06 PM @ Saturday, March 12, 2011

I joined this dating site I know Canary is using also.
No picture. No nothing. Anonymous.
Everyday, I am hoping that a message from ex would appear.
or better yet- mahanap ko siya.

I need to talk to Canary. Miss ko na siya. Sobra.
I want to talk to Canary even as someone na hindi niya kilala.
I want to make Canary laugh, smile, and feel kilig again; even if doing that
requires me to pretend as someone else. (Because I know, the happiness
we shared before is long gone na.)
I want to see Canary happy.
I miss Canary so much. GAH.

8:30 PM @ Thursday, March 10, 2011

Withdrawal Syndrome. Fuck my life.
Just when I thought I was super over that person na.

Kahit anong ipilit ko andun pa rin e. Kaya ko to.
I'll get over that person rin. :3
Pero weird. DABDA.
Tapos na ako sa Denial, Anger, Bargaining and Depression (?). I think nasa acceptance stage na ako.
Pero shet. Bakit ba kasi alam na alam ko amoy niya. D:
KILL ME. Or Amnesia. I want to forget that person na. Everyday, bumibigat ng bumibigat pakiramdam ko.
Basta. This time, hindi na ako lalapit. Masama nangyayari pag sinusubukan kong ayusin.



10:05 PM @ Sunday, March 06, 2011

I have this friend who's life shizz is similar to mine. Even how I think. :)) Blah. So anyway since cool siya and cool rin ako. HAHA
I made a new desktop whatever para saamin. :))
Wallpaper: 2 people. Ako yung white siya yung red. :))
The crack = Crack sa life namin. YES EMO. :))

Click the Image to view the Larger Version. :D

11:36 AM @ Sunday, February 27, 2011

Cool-Off. I hate that.
For me it was either we fix it or it is over.

I had no choice. I had to keep Canary. The worst thing that could ever happen is a recursion.
Cool-Off then.

Every bullshit day that we are not talking makes me feel that the bond between us is dying away everyday. Yet every moment apart is filled with the memory of every moment together. I miss you.

Crap. Somebody kill me. =_=

What's the best gift you've ever given?

7:10 PM @ Wednesday, February 23, 2011

My existence is the best gift you could ever get. :>



2:42 PM @ Wednesday, February 16, 2011

(Kunyari Maala-ala mo Kaya)
Tulad ng nasa TV, wala naman talagang kinalaman ang pamagat sa blog-entry ko.

Dear Ate Charo,

Dahan-dahan kong itina-type ang mga salita dito sa screen.. Dahil alam kong dahan-dahan mo rin itong babasahin.

Itago mo nalang ang taong idinedate ko sa pangalang "V". Hindi ko na kailangang itago ang pangalan ko dahil obvious naman na blog ko ito...

Matagal-tagal ko na ring nakasama si V. Ipinilit ko sa sarili kong nakapag-moveon na ako. Inidedeny ko dati sa sarili ko na hindi ko pa rin makalimutan si Canary. Naging masaya ako kay V. Movie. Kape. Movie. Kape. Oo. Masayang uminom ng Kape. Try mo!

February 12, napagisip-isip ko na walang patutunguhan 'to. Oo, masaya ako sakanya, and masaya rin siya saakin. Pero kung gusto ko talagang makapagmove-on, kailangan ko munang ayusin sarili ko. Sa nangyayari kasi, linoko ko lang siya.- linoloko ko rin sarili ko. Dahil yun nga..., sobrang gasgas na ng linyang ito, pero: Mahal ko pa rin si Canary. (osige tawa tayo, Ha... Ha... Ha...). [Siguraduhing mabagal pa rin itong binabasa]

February 14, pinili kong maging mag-isa. Hindi ako nakipag date. Sumama lamang ako sa bestfriend kong si Hannah Mariz Dela Guerra.
Pagkatapos ng aking huling klase nung araw na iyon; PE, may nakita akong tao na hindi ko inaasahang nakaupo doon.- At hindi ikaw iyon ate Charo. Si Canary. Hinintay niya akong matapos ang PE ko. Matagal-tagal ko na ring hindi nakikita ang ngiting uhhh... "iningiti" niya saakin. Linapitan ko siya. Dahan-dahan. (Joke. Naglakad ako casually papunta sakanya). Pagkaupo ko, nagusap kami...Matagal ko rin siyang hindi nakakausap. Napakasaya ko noon. Kahit na pakiramdam ko'y may iba na siya...  
at dahil nga ang pamagat ng entry na ito ay napaka labo, hindi ko na babanggitin ang napagusapan namin. Hayaan nalang nating lumutang ang inyong imagination. Para sa mga chismosang gusto talagang malaman, sige, ang topic namin e tungkol sa mga Dinosaurs. Oo. Bahala na kayong maniwala...

February 14 gabi, habang ako'y nasa shower, napaisip ako ng malalim na malalim. Ano ba talaga ang dapat kong gawin? Napatagal ako dun. Hindi ko napansin na natunaw na ang sabon at nangungulubot na ang balat ko... Matapos maligo, tinext ko si V. Sinabi ko sakanya na hindi ko na kaya ito. Humingi ako ng tawad. Hindi ko na kayang magpakita pa sakanya... Ngunit nagmakaawa siya noong gabing iyon.. Na sana mapagbigyan ko siya at magkita kami. Kahit sa huling beses nalang. Dahil may utang pa ako sakanyang MRT Stored Value. Dahil may surpresa siya saakin. Kahit alam niyang wala na akong planong ipagpatuloy ang thing namin, nais pa rin niyang ituloy ang surpresang ito.

February 15, Naglalakad sa Cafeteria.. Hindi ko inaasahang magmemessage saakin si Canary noong araw na iyon. At dahil wala siyang load, Chikka Messenger ginamit niya.. Nung una'y naexcite ako dahil nagtext siya... Pero sumama ang loob ko kahit 2.50 pesos ang presyo ng isang reply.. Sayang unli ko. Sabi niya tumingin ako sa likod dahil andoon siya. Tulad ng isang teleserye, dahan-dahan akong lumingon at nag slow-motion ang lahat. Siya nga... May kinang-kinang effect pa. Joke. Pasimple akong tumingin. Siya nga... Sinabi niya na may ibibigay siya saakin.
Lumapit ako, tinabihan siya, at umupo. "Lub-Dub" ang tunog ng puso ko noon. Naeexcite na natatakot na nasasaktay. "Lub-Dub... Lub-Dub.. Lub-Dub.. Dubidubidoo dubi doo dub dub.." Joke ule. Inabutan niya ako ng Chocolate. Ang saya ko noon. Pero kunyari pakipot effect. Ate Charo, kung ikaw ang nasa kalagayan ko, diba magpapakipot ka rin?..

Gabi na, itinupad ko ang usapan namin ni V. Pinuntahan ko siya. Naiyak ako sa ginawa niya. Sabi nga nila, "A picture is worth a thousand words". Ayoko nang maglagay pa ng thousand words. Makikita nyo nalang sa pics ang ginawa niya. Naluha ako. Inakap ko siya sa huling beses at nagpasalamat. Lumuluha siya noon habang nakaakap, naiyak ako sa mga salitang binitawan niya... "No to RH Bill" Joke. Sabi niya, "If ever lapitan ka ni Canary at maisipan niyang makipagbalikan saiyo, makipagbalikan ka kasi alam kong mahal na mahal mo siya. You deserve to be very happy kasi napakahirap makahanap ng isang taong tulad mo." Hindi ko na kinaya pa ang moment na iyon dahil alam kong nakasakit nanaman ako ng tao. Nagmadali akong umalis.

Ate Charo, pinili ko po ito. Bahala na. Aasa nalang ule ako.
V, kung nababasa mo man ito ngayon, salamat sa pagiintindi.

PS. Lahat ng Color BLUE na font ay joke lamang. Ito'y isinaksak ko para hindi maging boring ang kwento.

PS2. Iugnay ang Pastillas sa kwento.

S.A.D: Single's Awareness Day

9:52 PM @ Monday, February 14, 2011

Today, nakita ko siya. Hinintay niya ako matapos sa PE ko. Grabe. Di ko inexpect yun. KILIG pero kunyari wala lang.. HAHA.

Deep inside talaga. The moment na umupo ako sa bench tapos nag smile siya sakin. *WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE* Pero may pain pa rin. May uncertainty pa e. Hindi ko rin alam ano gusto nya sabihin kanina. Kung gusto ba niya ayusin or paasa nanaman. Ewan. Bahala na. (Hindi pa rin siya nagtetext until now huhu..)

I just realized na kahit ilang beses ko pa talagang pilitin sa sarili ko na nakamove on na ako at galit ako sakanya, lumalabas at lumalabas pa rin ang totoo. Mahal ko siya. Wala nang makakapagbago nun. Crap this. Andaya. Nakakainis. I feel bad sa mga taong nakadate ko. Siya palagi nasa isip ko. :|

Palagi ko ring kinokontra sarili ko. Look at my posts. Sinasabi ko tama na talaga. Pero at the end of the day, wala e. Mahal ko talaga siya.

At oo, si Canary tinutukoy ko. Grabe sakanya ko lang talaga to naramdaman and yes kahit mahirap maspipiliin ko pa rin siya. 

Alam ko galit na kayo kasi napaka-labo na ng lovelife ko.
Pakisapak naman ako oh.

Valentines Day Report

9:49 PM @

12am, someone called me. Sinabi niya na in-love pala siya sakin. Mejo matagal-tagal na.
6am, woke up. First word: "Shet"
830am, Theology Professor gave us chocolate kisses. :3
9am,  another friend said na falling na siya sakin. O_O
930am, slept on Kohleen Fortuno's Legs.
1120am, Algorithm Professor gave us chocolate wafers. :3
1pm, I got kicked a lot of times by my Muay Thai coach.
2pm, a short moment of hyper <3. Nakasama at nakausap ko si Canary. Grabe talaga. <3 heto nanaman ako umaasa.Sana kinausap pa niya ako ng masmatagal.
5pm, another friend texted me. :)) Sabi may gusto siya sakin.
6pm, Natulog dahil nabugbog ako sa PE.
7pm, received a suuuuuper cool cyber gift. at dahil sa deman, ipopost ko ang gift.

Oha. Astig. Perstaym ako binigyan ng flowers. HAHAHAHA.
Mark, thanks pare. Mabuhay singles. XD




Mikee G. Chan


St. Paul College of Ilocos sur
HS and GS
Ateneo de Manila University

BS Management Information Systems
Birthday: December 25, 1992


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