-------, mahal.Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. Love still stands when all else has fallenLove knows no limit.That is why despite the ordeal of pains, we have managed to keep this relationship going; 3 months.There's a lot of ways to express one's love.Acts of service. Gifts. Words of Affirmation. Physical touch. Quality time.Yours is different. You love negatively.You push me away. I cling on the statement that you are being like that because you love me and that is your way of being protective.You got to tell your side of the story. Now I deserve to tell mine.I kept this to myself because I know this will hurt you more but I think it is about time for you to understand everything clearly. Similar to a child getting spanked, sometimes one needs to get hurt just to see things in a broader perspective; to understand the bigger picture. You are too busy zooming in your own principles and beliefs that you choose not to listen to me anymore.Just because I am younger doesn't mean that I can't see the flaws of this relationship.I love you. I endured all the pain that was thrown at me. You knew back then that if you continue this kind of treatment, no happy memory could ever compensate to the embarrassment and pain you are giving me.I never wanted to send this kind of message to you. I have managed to control myself over countless temptations. This one was different. It was as if a gun was pointed on my head; I was provoked. You pushed me to.I am well aware of how excruciating it is to receive such revelation in the most unexpected way. But I made up for what I did even when you clearly expressed that you wanted out. I still wanted us to be together because I loved you.I know a week, a month or even half a year is not sufficient enough for me to dissipate the blotted relationship. As I am making this note, bits and pieces of reality are coming in.We will never work as a couple.1. Trust. To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.You never trusted me. Since day 1. You never did. I never received any from you.As a student yes, I see a lot of people everyday. But theres a fine line between being sociable and merely being a flirt. You never saw the difference. You wanted me to cut my social life. Yahoo Messenger, Facebook, and even SMS. You wanted that all for yourself. -------, I have clients that I need to contact every now and then. I also teach a freshman block. I have Org works. I have a Marketing competition to win. I have group works to finish aswell.All you saw was Mikee the debaucher.God knows what I gave-up to be with you. God knows how loyal I am.Which brings me to point two.2. Respect. If you want to be respected, you must respect yourself.Trust goes together with this. You fed me a lot of words that I lost my self-respect. Self-respect is the cornerstone of all virtue. I lost my sense of individuality yet I continued this relationship because somewhere there, I hoped for a change that never came. I loved you so much.I remember countless nights of you ringing my phone. Half-asleep, I call back even in the wee hours of the morning worried that something might be wrong. All I get is a "HOY PUTANGINA MO. WALA KA SA BAHAY NO? SINO KALANDIAN MO PUTANG INA KA MALANDI KA."I wake up late at night because of nightmares. You're the one I text because I need a sense of security and comfort. What do I get: "GISING KA PA PALA PUTANGINA KA ANDAMI KO KACHAT NAPAKA LANDI MO. GAGO KA. NIGHT."Whenever I am busy doing theater work, or school work, I make it a point to call you just to say hi and tell you that everything is okay. What do I get in return: "MALANDI KA! SIGURO KUNG SINU-SINO NA MINAMANYAK MO NO! PUTANGINA KA!". Or even when we are together. Walking. Eating Dinner. In public you blurt: "MALANDI KA!". I have never received so much insults in my life. Whats worse is I get this EVERYDAY. Text. Call. Real Life. No Difference. Whenever, Wherever. I get it from you. I ignored it all and showed you more love to prove that I don't deserve such profanities.I asked you what should I do to make you feel my absolute love. I asked not because I am stupid but because I want it to come from you. So I could improve myself and give you more of what you need. But everytime I do that, you simply say: "BOBO ka ba? WALA KA BANG UTAK?"3. Appreciation. Appreciation is a wonderful thing: It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.Yes, I do not have a job. I do not have a salary. I depend on the weekly allowance I get. But I compensate by doing small acts with big subtexts. You never saw my efforts. I filled a notebook with words of affirmation. You forgot I even made you one. Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. For six consecutive days, I went to either your office or your place to visit you and tell you how much I am sorry for what I did- if I had done something. I never mentioned anything about my money getting stolen. I loaned from my mom. I forced myself to learn how to ride a jeep since my money wouldn't be enough if I took a cab. I bought you roses last August 2. All I got in return was a: "YUNG BINIGAY MONG IYON, HINDI PA SAPAT. WALA NA YUN NGAYON NABUBULOK NA". It may be something petty in your perspective. That was whats left of what I have loaned; that was supposed to be my lunch.You amplify all the things that you do to the point that it hinders you from seeing the small things I do.Quoting you in FB: "mahirap kung ikaw lang nagmamahal". You posting that and me seeing all the likes and comments is more than a slap to my face.August 8: You wanted me to visit you. I was on my way. The MRT had a glitch. I called you. Of all things to say, you accused me of not leaving home and that the MRT is working. Thats too much -------. You heard me over the phone. You heard jeeps and buses yet you still think that I am at home JUST BECAUSE I AM ONLINE IN FACEBOOK. I went back home both pissed and frustrated. I tried calling you, you activated call barring. Then you sent me a message. "Lalabas ako kasama ex ko." That is not something a mature 25-year-old person would do. A slap on my face just because I couldn't get there.You want things to work out again yet you hold-unto to feeling of pain and anger to the point that you degrade me.4. Miserable Life. Your life is the fruit of your own doing. You have no one to blame but yourself.Whenever something bad happens to you, you blame it on me. "PUTANGINA MO SINIRA MO BUHAY KO. NAGLASLAS AKO NGAYON DAHIL SAYO. MAY SUGAT AKO NGAYON DAHIL SA GINAWA MO. PUTANGINA MO. HINDI NALANG SANA KITA NAKILALA." I may have caused you so much pain but do remember that you control your own life. You may have friends who will tell you what is wrong and what is not. You may have me to make or break your day, in the end you're still the one responsible on how things would work. Quoting Invictus, "I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul."Ang kasiyahan ay pinagpupursigihan. Hindi ka magiging masaya kung gugustuhin mo lang na sumaya.Hindi lang ikaw ang may problema sa mundo. Hindi lang ikaw iniintindi. Kailangan mo ring makinig at umintindi.5. You concentrate too much on how others would look upon you. Big egos are big shields for lots of empty space.We have talked over it. I am at fault for keeping such item. Are you showing it to everyone because you really need their opinion? Or is it because it feels good to have everyone's sympathy? Are your officemates' opinion not enough? Do you enjoy hearing words of hatred against me? How ironic. You allowed me to fix this. Indirectly, you wanted this relationship to work again. But you enjoy others saying: "Hiwalayan mo na.", "Kulang pa ang isang sampal.", "Hopeless." Everyones over reacting.I kept my side of the bargain. I've been more than a dog. I knelt down asking for forgiveness and you stepped on me. Willingness to move on and fix this means accepting my ways of making up. You're inconsistent. You filter. You accept some, you reject a lot with words that could penetrate to the core of a person. I've been submissive because I know I am at fault. I've been receiving more Putangina mo. Bobo. Tanga. Gago. Walang kwenta. Ulul. Messages from you yet I chose to absorb all. Every profanity I get, I answer back by saying: I love you.Our thoughts create our reality -- where we put our focus is the direction we tend to go.You want me to be sorry for everything. You want to fix this yet you refuse to let go of what has happened. You enjoy drowning yourself with the feeling that someone is pleading for you. You enjoy the feeling of getting everyone's sympathy.It's like I hit you once and now you are spitting and punching me a lot of times.-Healing means having small steps. Just because you got hurt, doesn't mean you have to hurt me back.-Healing means trying to forget what happened and not having indirect revenge.-Healing means accepting what has happened and building new things from the rubble.-Healing means embracing the one who hurt you.No one has ever insulted me that much ever before.You're feeding your ego too much.I may not be the perfect boyfriend. But I know what I can give and what I cannot.I have loved you to the fullest. You pushed me away. I have sinned. I made up for that.You rejected it and treated me worse. I continued to love you despite getting tired. You pushed me more.Can’t you see the cycle? I don't want to commit something more grave.In my suffering, I had not noticed that the scent of love, winds and deluge had died already. As a dichotomy -- the worst served along with the best. Or as part of a cycle of rises and falls, of renewals, of goodbyes and new beginnings. Only when things are perceived in the context of a full cycle do they make sense. There is a greater scheme that we are all part of. Things are not merely random.What I am getting is too much. I have to love myself as well.I've reached my satiation point. This is as far as I can get.It is useless to pick-up fallen petals because they will never bloom again.I am sorry -------. I love you so much. Take care.Wishing you all the best-Mikee.
Quoting Jean Jacques Rousseau, People who know little are usually great talkers, while men who know much say little.
My existence is the best gift you could ever get. :>