Four. (Hindi pa na-proofread.)

1:50 PM @ Saturday, June 04, 2011

According to St. Jerome, the number four represents a sense of revelation. Makes sense.
Ezekiel had visions of four winged beasts which later reconstitutes in the New Testament as the four beasts of the apocalypse in the Book of Revelations. Psychologically, Carl Jung stated that there are four primary mental functions. In modern science, there are also four dimensions; length, breadth, width, and time.

Japanese people believe that the number four brings misfortune. Pronouncing it is like saying the word "death" as well. Ironically, this is also the number of balance.

WAIT. I'm not a numerologist. MAS LALONG HINDI AKO MAHILIG SA BINGO. I just want to be dramatic. :))

Anyway, last March 27, 2011 8pm I left home with no plans of ever returning again. One simple reason: reasoning. People look at things differently. As we grow up, we are able to develop a more rational way of understanding situations. Parents fail to see this sometimes. The baby they held 18, 19, 20 years ago is different now.

Everything was planned. I had 45k with me. I allotted 30k for my Summer Tuition and 15k for "survival". Fortunately it wasn't that hard for me to look for a place, since a lot of my friends were willing to let me stay.

Day 1. For the first time, I washed my own clothes, cleaned the apartment, washed the plates for them and hanged my wet clothes. I ate twice. Lunch, at McDonalds and KFC for dinner. Everything seems fine. My friends were there to make me emotionally stable. I planned to look for a job the next day.

Money Spent the whole day: Php 145

Day 2. Ate once. Mang Inasal for lunch. Ate a lot of rice that would suffice breakfast and dinner. Everything seems okay. Found a book, "The Giver" by Lois Lowry. I hate reading. I never read books (except those that are required in school.) Since there was no TV, no Internet, and nobody in the apartment, I started reading.

Spent: Php 99

My HS teacher was correct when she told me that whenever everything seems to be in chaos, seek for silence. Being alone in the apartment for 2 days made me reflect on how I was living my life. I was itching to go back not because I gave up on what I believe was right, but rather because I miss my computer. Haha. It was a good choice that I stayed there. Patience slows us down because it makes us pay attention.

It is not bad to stand up on what you believe is right. As long as you and other people know, feel and believe that you are right, do not let anyone change that; not even your parents. Quoting Suckerpunch, "If you can't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." If you have to fight for it just to make them see that you have a point and you deserve an ear and a heart, do it. (Hindi ko sinasabing lumayas kayo ha! :)) ). Storms bring destruction but at the same time, soaks the fields and the wisdom of the heavens fall with the rain. Like all storms, it will pass. Sometimes the more violent it is, the more quickly it will pass.

Day 3. I was able to see my friend arrive in the apartment. (My friend works from 12pm-2am) We talked for a while. I was moved when I received a box of Donuts. (Oo patay gutom ako. :)) Grabe mga simpleng acts of care na dati hindi ko pinahahalagahan, ganito pala pakiramdam pag nagbigay ka ng pagkain sa mga bata sa lansangan. #musmos) Ate at KFC for lunch.

Spent: Php210 (Sumobra sa budget na 150/ day)

Again, from 12pm-11pm I was alone. I kept quiet. Enjoyed the silence. Thought of stuff I never thought of. I found rest and saw that simple things like a book and a box of donuts could bring extreme joy. Music exists because the pause exist. Sentences exist because of the blank spaces. Same goes with the wonderful discoveries. They exist because of the blank spaces we leap on.

For the past days, money mattered so much that I considered working somewhere "off" but pays  a lot. But after a while, I realized that money might bring unhappiness, but have boat loads of it won't necessarily bring happiness. I was already happy- I thought I was. But there was something inside me that is saying "parang may mali". I forced myself to believe that everything was fine. I was happy. I didn't have a mom who keeps on shouting and all. Then I came to my senses. If I were happy, those things wouldn't be bugging me anymore. Those thoughts wasn't supposed to exist. Seeking for more happiness means you're not happy at all. You're seeking for desires and these are never satisfied, because once they are, they cease to be desires. I had to accept in one way or another that I wansn't happy.

That same night, my mom texted me.

I'm just worried King, hope you're okay.

-I'm okay ma. Thank you I hope you're okay as well.

Glad to hear, let me know if you need mama.

*I called her and told her how much I hated it when she doesn't listen to me. She only said this: "Okay. Matulog ka na. Umuwi ka bukas magusap tayo."
I thought she didn't really care. Her voice had no emotions in it. My plans of never returning back home were reinforced. But after a minute or two, she sent another message.

I'm sorry King.

-I'm sorry rin ma.

Day 4. I ate lunch alone and sent a message to my friend that I am going back home. Just like in the movies, when I arrived home, I gently kicked the half opened door and saw my mom sitting there. Staring blankly. I stared back. I could see tears. I hugged her and there. The movie magic of reconciliation. For the first time, I felt her love. I felt the warmth. She never hated me. Her love only masquerades in anger and close mindedness. We had faults.

"Getting lost is sometimes the best way to discover the beauty of places and experience the wonders life has yet to offer."